Sometimes I Fall Off, Too
FULL DISCLOSURE: I have not been walking the walk. I'm going to go ahead and get my list of excuses out of the way up front, since I'm not someone who often accepts excuses from others.
- It's been a crazy year so far and my whole entire world feels upside down.
- I've been confused about my path and purpose.
- I've been exhausted.
- I've wanted to take the easy way out.
- I'm easily persuaded by my husband, mostly because I don't want to disappoint him.
- I haven't made the right choices for my family, either.
- I kept stepping on the scale and saying, "As long as I don't hit the 150 mark again, I'll be fine."
Well, two things happened this week. First, my colleague took a picture of me moving desks in my classroom for a grant that we were writing, and it came out like this:
Seeing yourself in a photograph is ALWAYS a wake up call. Especially when at this time last year, I had worked my butt off (literally) and this is how I looked in this same classroom:
This made me fall into an even deeper depression about how far I've fallen off track. But then this morning I stepped on the scale, and saw the numbers 1-5-1 staring back at me.
And here's the thing - we are all entitled to fall off a little bit. There is not a reason in the world to live as strict and rigid a lifestyle as I was leading in that second photograph. The problem that I have with myself is that I know that I feel BETTER when I pay closer attention to my health, and as I'm making the decisions to shove stuff into my pie-hole that is not good for me, my inner dialogue is downright DESTRUCTIVE. I give myself zero grace. As I'm doing it, I go over all of the ways that what I'm eating is bad for me (health, money, the example I'm setting, etc.). And I kick myself afterwards, and actually sometimes spit it out mid-chew. UN-HEALTHY all around.
I have to make a different decision. I am a person who tends to live my life in extremes. I hyper-focus on something and it takes over my life. My world. I spent months so focused on health and well-being that I forgot what it meant to have anything else in my life. I was happy, felt better, looked better, but everyone around me was pissed off at me because it was all that I talked about. So then I swung the other way. Eating the way everyone around me ate because I didn't want to hear it about my "healthy" options. Giving in and ordering something because we were too tired to do dishes. Pushing aside my own passion and health because it was too hard to fight everything else.
So here I am today, holding myself accountable. There has to be a balance. If I'm going to teach people about balance, I have to learn to live a life in balance. I need to put my health first and remain steadfast in the knowledge that I'm doing what's best for myself AND for my family. And then I have to pull up my big girl panties and go back to leading by example.